Second · Chances · -- · Meaningful · Life

7,665 days, 183, 960 hours, 11,037,600 minutes, or 662,256,000 seconds; in case you were wondering, it all means 21 years. As I pause to reflect over the past year, I find myself consumed with many emotions. While some are greater than others, all are important fulfillments of the last 364 days of my trip around the sun. So many things have changed, arrived, departed, withered away, began –. In part, I find it humbling to reflect on an unbelievably, powerful thing called life. Life that began exactly 21 years ago today, down to the exact minute my mother gave birth to me; the exact minute of arrival for her last, and only baby girl: 2:10 p.m., November 6, 1987. Humility embraced that day in 1987 with the hands of a fortunate mother, and, into the present (2008), it flows within the veins of her daughter.

     Despite residual rotation, this year has flown by like no other. Maybe it's the time-old-tale that I'm getting older? Whatever it may be, I'm anxiously looking forward to the next 365 days of my life. Wait, no. I'm anxiously looking forward to the next days of my life. The days of my life that God grant me, whatever they may be. With age, wisdom follows: wisdom of growth, knowledge, change, truth, and experience. Wisdom of change that follows truth, experience that allows knowledge and growth that oversees all wisdom. No matter how many birthdays, trips around the sun, or hours passed, wisdom is ever-changing.

     With life grows nurture and it's amazing to see what each moment brings. This past year has been a whirlwind. I've picked myself up from the lowest point in life and rebuilt my foundation restored my foundation. Rebuild would mean to remove the old and restore with the new. My past has taught me a lot about myself, things that went unforeseen before. With nurture grows attachment and provides us with the security of our being. It starts in the womb with the mother and child and spans across life as our mother's constantly face new challenges into letting us go, letting us grow up, molding into who we'll become. We seek out to attach ourselves to things like us, as security. We form bonds, friendships, sisterhoods, relationships, faith, religion, and dreams. It's attachment that leads us to long for something more -- something that will always, always be with us.

     Everyone asks how it feels to be legal; honestly, it feels the same as it did yesterday, the same as it did when I turned 18, and most of the days before that. I think the first "defining moment" in our history is graduating high school. It's the true test that defines us first, the 13 year responsibility that we overcome, and it's our first taste of freedom. Age is a number, and responsibility increases with each year that passes. If you think back to the timeline of your life you find that from age 1-18 your life is consumed by more firsts than ever at 21. Birth - You learn touch and feel, textures, attachment, cooing, reflexes, rolling over, crawling, holding your head up, Age 1 - Solid Foods and walking, Age 2 - More teeth, better food, first words, potty training, Age 3 - Learning shapes, colors, alphabet, numbers, Age 4 - Pre-school, Age 5 - Kindergarten & Tying shoes, Age 6 - Losing your first tooth, your 6 year molars, Age 7 - Start of sports and developing "self-image," Age 8 - we get the "big kid" scissors, Age 9 - you realize what losing a grandparent really is like, Age 10 - you get your first period and feel like a mutant, Age 11 - puberty is still a consistent role this year, Age 12 - You "father" tells your mom that he wants a divorce, Age 13 - you're a pre-teen, nothing spectacular truly happens, just more school work and middle school sports, Age 14 - Your last year of middle school, you're off to the big leagues now, Age 15 - Freshman year, you get your learner's permit to start driving, Age 16 - You've been training all year for this, you get your driver's license, take driver's ed., your first relationship and (for some) your first job, Age 17 - You survived Sophomore Year Slump, Junior Prom, High School Graduation Tests, ACT's, SAT's, finally only one more year until you're a Senior, Age 18 - You're finally a senior, you get to take senior pictures, senior night, football games, bonfires, senior superlatives, senioritis, (for some) choosing colleges, senior prom, graduation practice, graduation picnic, and finally graduation. You get to register to vote, obtain a class C license and the midnight curfew is lifted. Age 19-20 - College work, Harder Professors, Real life, bills, leaving home, Age 21 - Buying alcohol.




     
     It's funny--Even through the farthest distances of vast space, the multitude of hours ticked away, and the seamless transitions of life, chemistry never changes. The harshest words, the unacceptable notions, and the vast conformity can't keep fate from enduring what God has planned. Chemistry stands for compassion and love; besides God, Love is the only thing that remains the same.
 

     Embrace change, defy odds. My new motto. November 4th marked another "defining moment" in history and all of our lives. A landslide brought on the closing of polls for the election. Some people were shocked while others were disappointed. Others were happy to see the change: the motto, "yes we can!" Everybody can use a little bit of "yes we can!" Defy odds, prove statistics wrong. Embrace change, embrace your dreams; overcome everything; be the landslide everyone talks about, make history. Be cultured, have culture, and be blessed.

My only thoughts come the dawn of my birthday: Embrace change, Defy odds.

Current Location:	God's Gracious Earth
Current Mood:	bouncy
Current Music:	Gavin Rossdale's: "Love Remains The Same"

 
                          Diana & Me @ June Jam 2008

After 100° degree weather and a ton of sweat later, June Jam 2008 turned out to be a well anticipated concert and a packed-out event. Three local bands, and one national artist (Diana DeGarmo, headlining the event) came out and entertained hundreds of fans for good fun, great friends, and good eats. All proceeds went to two local charities, Count Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) and Greater Purpose, founded by Lt. Gov. Casey Cagle.

The Dream Team represented Diana well, she even gave a huge shout-out to us onstage and drew everyone's attention our way. Random people came up to take our picture, after all we were sitting as close as possible. The only thing that separated us from the stage was a concrete walkway and four steps. Dale, Tracy, Karen, Kyle, Jen, Tiffany, Abby, and myself were all there. Peggie Hoskins & The Vertigo band was the first to perform, following by the Allen Nivens band at sunset. Next up Diana -- yay!! What we've roasted all day for :). She came out wearing boots, holy jeans, and a tank-top (right up my alley, lol). She looked great as usual, completely relaxed. Aside from singing she could have a dominate career in stand up comedy. She sang "Til You Want Me," "Dreams," "Right Back Where We Ended," Bad Boyfriend song, and "Just to say thank you," which was beautifully written inspired by her USO tour she did in 2005.

Not too much moving around on stage due to her massive intake of barbecue, she said it was delicious but felt it was sitting right in her ribs and something along the lines of "I just feel like I want to unbutton the top of my pants I'm so full." She stayed well hydrated the whole time with water breaks between each song. Between all the comedy, the shout outs, and the singing she managed to get a couple up and dancing in front of everyone, which was kind of sweet in its own "romanticized" way if you're into that sort of thing. She thanked her fans indefinitely and also said that no matter what the election brings and who you're voting for just be sure to thank the troops because it's them who bring you freedom and that allows us to share nights like tonight. She was sad her band wasn't able to make the trip with her but had some rough tracks that were put together really fast for the event. She was glad to get applause after performing the new songs (of course the DreamTeam were the loudest). She gave a shout out to Casey Cagle as he had mentioned her in his speech earlier on that day. She wrapped it up and headed up to the raffle ticket table to sign autographs and pictures.

We packed up our stuff and killed some time putting them in the car and letting the other strangers (lol) mingle with down-to-earth Diana. We eventually made it back and into the line. When we made it up there she was happy to see us. Very personable just like Dale said. Through pictures and autographs, she managed to get a few conversations in with everybody which was definitely fun. She signed my shirt, told me to read it later. Admist all of our glory and happiness we departed until we looked back when we heard all the laughter. Diana was signing a bald guys head. Now you know I had to get a picture of that. So sure enough -- here it is.

So from getting to see Diana through sound check and thirty second clips and anxiously awaiting the full set it was overall a good day (aside from the heat, after all it is HOTlanta for a reason). Definitely a much needed weekend for myself, and it was awesome getting to see everyone again. I can't believe its been that long (2005). Keep checking back for more stuff. Dale has video footage, Abby does, and plenty of us have pictures.

Current Location:	Senoia, Georgia
Current Mood:	Getting ready for bed
Current Music:	Thank You by Diana DeGarmo

Life's great once you weed out all of the bad seeds. If you have too many weeds in a garden it strangles everything else. Same thing with life. Upon weeding out the bad seeds I've found myself able to love again, laugh again, and smile all the time. I'm in college pursuing a degree to better myself and provide a future and foundation for where ever God takes me. I have belief in more things than I ever had before; Especially myself. Self-esteem is something I've never had but I find myself gaining it little by little. With massive dedication and love along the way, I find myself bound for great things. I know it sounds like something out of a children's book about the places you'll go; but I feel as if I'm on top of the world at times. Substance doesn't filter my highs; life does.

I'm glad where my life ended up, and yes, even through the hardship life handed me in 2007. I've learned a lot and grown even more. Trials and tribulations build the path in order for us to be able to look back and reflect on. Without a path; you have no story. There's a story in each of us; in lives within your soul. Will you let it be heard?

So while I was at work sitting here doing nothing at all I got to thinking. Can you believe that there is only 8 and a half months left until the wedding? Shocker, I know. So much to do in so little time. I've realized that I think that I'm in overload now, I haven't seen the worst of it yet. I still have to secure the ceremony site, the reception venue (can't do that till December though) book a photographer, videographer, book a D.J., and figure out the food situation. Thankfully we finally got my dress out, and we can start saving up for the rest of it. We've bought the invitations, figured out the guest list, compiled the wedding party, figured out the date and time, and found the style for the tuxes we want for the guys. We found the cake we like at Publix so that wont be a biggy to come up with. We decided the theme of the wedding, which came pretty easy.

So far, I can't complain. It could have been a lot worse I guess. As for EMT school, I'm putting that on the back burner for now. I've come to a realization in my heart that that's not what my heart's calling for anymore. I truly want to pursue the Crime Scene Investigation/Computer Forensics approach. Something about Computers, Science, and Mystery tickles my fantasy. We'll see how everything pans out. For now, starting in January I'm enrolling at West Central Tech for Dental Assisting so I can do that, get a good job, and then work towards my Bachelor's in Forensics. That's the plan, lets see if it pans out.

Today, Uncle Greg took Nicholas to the psychiatrist. I was trying to catch some sleep when my mom came in and told me that the psychiatrist found out that his special ed. teacher has been abusing him. He's autistic as most know and has an infatuation with cuss words. It's just a part of his condition and when he gets stuck on something, he can't quit. Popping him only makes it worse so ignoring it is the best thing we can do. The teacher already made comments to my Uncle that every time she hears him say it while in class that she just wants to pop him on the butt for it. My Uncle told him DON'T because it only makes it worse. Well, come to think about it, she couldn't or isn't supposed to anyway. We'll I take it she found an alternative way to "punish" him, because while at the psychiatrist, they found the marks on my baby boy's little wrist. They asked him about it and Nicholas told him that she would use a "stretchy band" every time I would say a bad word. He may be autistic, but he's a total genius. The Shrink immediately called the school's principal and they said they didn't want to deal with a lawsuit, to go ahead and report the teacher to DEFACS. Surprisingly enough, the teacher didn't show up for school today; she called out sick. Needless to say, I about went up to the school and handled the matter myself, but was told not to, of course. I'm furious on this matter. Not only do we have to worry about sending our kids to school these days due to gangs, drugs, and everything of that nature; but now we can't even trust our own educators. How pathetic is that. My kids will definitely be home-schooled.

Other than that though, nothing spectacular happening in life right now. Scott and I are great, just helping mom out as much as we can around the house. When I get home from work at 8:30 in the morning I'm going back to work on the fence-line. By tomorrow night, I hope and pray that the front will be finished and the gates hung. Keep your fingers crossed!!! Scott'll hopefully get hired on with Stovall tomorrow delivering their products for them and doing landscaping; putting his CDL that he went to school for to good use finally. I'm still pulling graveyard at Hart-line, hoping and praying I can find something else real soon; it's getting beyond ridiculous. In 5 months time I have not gotten one weekend day off, been cheated out of two raises, and get treated like shit. Oh well, we'll have to see what happens.

We'll it's 3:34, and I'm getting tired. Guess I'll go catch a few zzz's on their time and get paid to sleep :) Sounds good to me.

Update: Can you believe it's been like a year and a half since my last post...wow. G'night ;)

I hate change!

1 week until I graduate, kinda scary!

Sunday: Graduate Recognition at church, Luncheon for Seniors provided by the church, the Bacclaurette for the school.

Monday: Review for Finals, Final in 3rd block

Tuesday: Exams in 1st block and cookout in 3rd block.

Wednesday: Exams in 2nd and 4th block, Church.

Thursday: Graduation practice at 9:00 a.m.; Family starts coming in from out of town.

Friday: Graduation practice at 9:00 a.m.; Decorate for Party and get stuff set up.

Saturday: GRADUATION DAY; Seated in the gym for Senior breakfast at 7:00 a.m., Graduation starts at 9:00 a.m. (march down to the football stadium); Party starts at 2:00 p.m.

Sunday: Church

Current Location:	Mama's Computer
Current Mood:	Lord Help Me...
Current Music:	TV in the backgroud that Nick's watching...

     Overall, I'm complete. This time I actually mean it. So if you ever hear me complain about how bad I have it. Slap me, and wake me up to reality.

That's all I have for now...
I think I'm going to bed.

Love always,
Bekah Boo :)
"The one and only!"

Current Location:	Sonja's house; Moreland, Ga.
Current Mood:	Goin' to bed
Current Music:	"Grown Men Don't Cry" by Tim McGraw

Then Saturday I made all of my Graduation Invitations and Annoucements, Party Invitations and Directions, and the Name Cards that go with it. Sunday we stuffed all the envelopes and I had to lick them all shut. And Today we got them all mailed out in the mail. Once again, I NEVER would have THOUGHT that it would be ME that was making out MY GRADUATION INVITATIONS!! MINE, its just "...." speechless.

Today we were talking and were like 26 more days until we graduate, and I'm like 26 more days until I leave behind the same exact routine that I've slowly grown accustomed to. 26 more days until I'm never going back to attend a class at ECHS again. 26 more days until it's ME walking across that football field and not someone else that gave me the only reason to attend Graduation in the first place. I ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO MAMA THE OTHER NIGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO MISS SCHOOL... Look how much a toll graduation has taken on me.

We were in the meeting on Friday where they issued us our caps and gowns and they told us that we are the largest class in the history of East Coweta to graduate. I'm thinkin' "oh great, I'm like 7th from last to be called." Then I'm thinkin' "thats so cool."

Be praying for good weather that day as well, because if my graduation gets rained on then we move into the new gym and I'll only get 3 to 4 rain tickets. With that said, I'll only get to allow 3 or 4 of my family members watch me graduate, which isn't fair.

I've been highly emotional lately due to several reasons. There's a lot going on that most likely no one will or could ever understand. I want nothing more than for my grandmother to be at my graduation. That's something that I always thought she would get to see. Of course she'll be there watching from above, and watching over me so I don't trip and fall flat on my face as I walk to receive my diploma, but I want her there sitting with my family, cheering me on. I want to be able to hug her neck afterwards and see the way she looks at me afterwards. I WANT HER HERE. Not one of my grandparents will see me graduate, not one. The only thing I've ever asked for is for her to see my get baptized and watch me walk across that football field. She missed my baptism on April 23rd, and now I wont have her there at graduation. I know when I wake up that morning, or start getting ready because I most likely wont sleep, that she'll be walking beside me, holding my hand, and she'll be the one holding me up, helping me stand strong because I wont be strong enough to do it by myself. I love her, miss her, and want her to know how much I love her and how things would be different if she were here. I just want her to know that because I never got to say good-bye.

I think I'm going to go to bed, I have a long day ahead of me.
I'll write more later whenever I get another chance to.

Bekah Boo :)
"The one and only!"

Current Mood:	Going to bed...
Current Music:	Sonja on the phone

That's what life's all about,
adolescent fears,
wiping away the tears,
and loving the ones we hold dear.

*The richest people are not a prisoner to money,
--They're prisoners to love.*
It's not what you take from this world when you die,
It's what you leave behind.

Human's natural ability are to succeed and prosper,
Never allowing room for failure,
Waking each day is succeedment,
What you get out of it is a personal achievement.
--Prospered, Prospering, Will Prosper

SUCCEED...

Current Mood:	Going to bed...
Current Music:	Listening To Sonja Talk and Me Type...

I'll write more later.

Love yall,
Bekah Boo :)
"The one and only!"

Current Mood:	I'm good...
Current Music:	"Something's Gotta Give" by LeAnn Rimes

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

So what if I always find myself settling for the path of least resistance and always sitting upon the shoreline? I will forever be burried in the legacy of everyone else.

I just want to get out of this small town and breakaway. There is so many limitations of what I can and can't do. I want to be my own person, and start living for who I am. Everytime I find myself saying these things I find myself second-guessing them once again. What am I thinking? I can't leave behind my family, and my friends. There's only one thing that's keeping me from the military right now, and if she wasn't there, I'd be shipping out to Texas for bootcamp right after high school. I say this and I'm like "What am I doing?" "Who I am?" Even if that person wasn't in my life and I was leaving for bootcamp, the only reason I'd be there in the first place is for all the wrong reasons. It'd be escaping the things and problems that bother me the most. If I was to run away now, I'd be running away the rest of my life. I want to get away to at least figure out my life on my own, but if I figure out the rest of my life on my own and I get used to being alone, will I be alone the rest of my life because I'm afraid to let someone come in a ruin those plans and dreams? Is being alone what I really want? Is going into the military what I really want? Is escaping what I really want? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? Am I being selfish because I don't know what I want or too stupid to realize what I want is right in front of me?

So many questions....

Ever since I started training as an Explorer at the fire department I couldn't think of anything but firefighting. Ever since then I could see myself as being a firefighter and nothing else. People would always ask me what I wanted to be, I'd say a firefighter or sometimes nothing at all. Afraid of people laughing in my face and saying, "Oh that's no real job" or "Why would you want to do that, that doesn't pay money." I know it isn't always about the money, and firefighting is a real job. How can it not be a real job saving people's lives everyday to get payed little to nothing, and get no recognition for what you do?

Everyone's saying why don't you do firefighting, it's what has stuck through all the other ideas of what you've wanted to be. Sure, that'd be the most obvious one to go with, but what if that's not what God wants. Sometimes what you want isn't nessicarily what God wants for you. If I do do that, what if I'm not great at it? What if I fail? Is it normal to have this much fear as to what I should do, or this many questions as to what I should decide? So much second-guessing, this can't be healthy.

There's so many questions and very little answers. It's going back and forth, I feel like I'm watching a basketball game. In a basketball game, don't they score points? When am I going to make a basket? Just for once I wish I could call a time out to catch my breath. Not now, we're in overtime. Two points down with :05 seconds left on the clock. What are we going to do? We going to charge the net? Pass it? Shoot a three-pointer to win, or settle for what we know we can do and go into another overtime? What is it that we're going to do? Are we going to settle for the road of least resistance or venture down the path of the "Road Less Traveled?" What is it that the little voice inside your head is telling you? Is it telling you to do the opposite of what your coach says because you know what your capabilites are, or is it telling you to follow his lead and trust in others to learn about teamwork? Are the referees the obstacles that are in our way, or is it our stubborness that keeps setting us back? Is it our pierced ego that keeps allowing the other team to get foul shots, or is it our willingness to see others succeed? Why is it we only romanticize the good and never the bad?

Current Mood:	So many questions...
Current Music:	"Fly Away" by Sugarland

How come everytime we stop to look at our future and where it leads, we find ourselves set back 10 miles from where we began?

As I've sat here for the past two days wondering how to answer this question I find myself drawing blanks. As I think of how to answer this question I ask myself, "If I can't even answer this simple question how do I even know that I have a promising future?"

I used to be afraid of so many things, that I'd never grow up, that I'd be trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It's true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality.

Now that the scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do. Because there are things that I want to tell her, to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay.

I want her to know that meeting people who actually except you for who you are will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Paige, Bethany, Katie, Abby, Jennifer, Caitlyn, Sonja, these people who contributed to who I am they are with me where ever I go. As history gets rewritten in smalls way with each passing day my love for them only grows, because the truth is, it was the best of times.

Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticizes the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something. That we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all. That time of our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear that's exactly how it happened. but this is how it felt.

So the only thing I could think of that unites us all, that we all have in common, is that we start out in kindergarten thinking we can be anything we want to be and by the time we get here we've all lost that feeling, we've all started to believe. Whatever our friends or our parents have told us about what we can achieve in life and who we can be.

We've forgotten about the possibility we had when we were younger, that's the one thing we all have in common. So the symbol of us means, possibility, as we live it's a little daily reminder of the fact that if you believe in yourself even when the odds seem stacked against you that anything is possible.

Your whole life is about to change in a way that it will never be the same again. Your opening a new chapter, and you have to give a proper goodbye to the old one. You dont want to miss these moments even the sad ones, because you'll never get them back again. So enjoy this time, let it wash over you so that your memories of it are strong. Have faith that things will work out for the best, that whatever sent us off in different directions is the very same thing that will bring us back together.

We talk like we know what's going on, but we don't. We don't know anything. We're really young and we're gonna screw-up a lot. We're gonna keep changing our minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only real thing we can offer each other is forgiveness. At a certain point the whole thing just becomes too much to process and your brain gets taken out of the loop. All you have to rely on is your heart, your natural human instincts. It's liberating. Not at first of course; At first it's terrifying, like falling, but that's the point, isn't it?

This is one of those rare milestone events that separates the first half of your life from everything that follows. All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. The kind of fear you're talking about sometimes it's how we know that it's worthwhile. What you think you're leaving behind here, it's just going to be that much bigger when you return. Friends give you the worst of news with the best of intentions, where everything is said in silence because the emotion behind what we really want to say is just too overwhelming. If I'm thanking you for anything it's for being yourself. It's for not caring what anybody else thinks. It's for knowing in your own heart what's wrong and what's right.

That's something I wrote to Bethany in an email the other day. I went back and re-read what I wrote, because being the weird person that I am I never read stuff before I send it, print it, or post it. I'll second-guess my writing and I wont get anywhere. Sort of like now.

Upon reading it I was shocked to see so many answers to questions I've asked numerous times. It's amazing how we read, write, and even say things and its a shame how we don't linger and hold on to each other's every word like we should. Humans are powerful beyond reason.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in

EVERYONE.

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Every Wednesday during Bible study Miz Charlotte always has something that I take home with me to think about. For the past three weeks we've been talking in deep conversation about listening to your heart. Everyday we're faced with people who tell us what we should become. Most people always decide what the want to do based on money. It's not always about money it's about what you want deep down in your heart and unless you find that you wont have true happiness.

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I'm waitin for my chance.
I'm gonna break away.
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I'm supposed to be.

I'm afraid that I'm not going to follow my heart and therefore never find true happiness. Is it wrong to fear the future because you're scared that you might not follow the plans that God has for you? If all roads lead to the same path then what is it that we are going to learn if we take the wrong one? Will we learn anything? Or will we just waste all that time because we we're too stupid to follow our heart to begin with?

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

So many questions that I ask and the answer I can never find. So many ideas I have of what I want, but in reality I don't know what I want. Am I being selfish, or too gullable to make up my own mind? Everything is so easy to second-guess and ironically it's so easy to screw-up. There's only one word I can think of that I will get out of this whole mental process and that is PROSPER.

I think I'm going to go to bed but I doubt if I'll sleep...

Bekah Boo :)

Current Mood:	Too much thinkin'...
Current Music:	Bethany on the phone

Spreadin' The Lunatic Love
By: Rebekah Wigley

Lunatics till death do us part,
It's like a robber who stole all our hearts.
Nothing else better,
Nothing else greater
Its so small
Yet nothing will shatter
This bond that to some
Dont even matter.

Fans by choice,
Sisters by fate,
It's something so small
that only God can create.

First the parkin' lot,
then the nacho fight
Whats next,
Diana's resting spot?

A knife and a basketball,
In walgreens stands the aisles so tall.
Galbladder malfunctions,
In the hospital for somethin'
Blow-drying armpits,
The Big Pink Ball,
And The Nerf Gun a kit,
What's left,
Dixie and Rosie attacking your shit?

First off there is no "e" in cheesy,
It's like Kathy yelling, "TAKE IT EASY!"
Oh why does Bethany have to be so sleezy?
Its mastering the art of being Teasy.

Paige is the next Aflac Voice-over,
Is Diana's house the next we hover,
to spread Toilet paper all over?
Operation Overload is the game,
For Lunatics is our name.

"We some crazy ass mothafuckas,"
What's up with Paige saying,
Ha Ha, sucka!!!???
You're 19 acting so silly,
C'mon, I mean really.

"Lord I apologize,"
For it's the Lunatics,
The object of our "highs,"
For it's Fanny we all despise.

For the internet's so great,
It makes you appreciate
that you can look up and call
The greatest of them all.

The lucky number will always be 26,
As for prank calling,
That's our Friday night fix.
For us the jokes live on,
in this timeless ending rhyme.

Fans by choice,
Sisters by fate,
It's something so small
that only God can create.

Lunatics till death do us part,
It's like a robber who stole all our hearts.
Nothing else better,
Nothing else greater
Its so small
Yet nothing will shatter
This bond that to some
Dont even matter.

Current Mood:	Pretty Nifty
Current Music:	"Check On It' by Beyonce

After working out almost every day this entire week and doing the ab lounge and stuff I've never crapped so much in my entire life. I feel so relieved...

Like I garuntee you if I went to weigh myself I've lost some weight.

Yesterday I crapped 5 times, I guess the shit that everyone else caused that was built up from months ago is finally leaving the body...

Anyways, just thought I'd share with yall my happiness...

Current Mood:	I'm in a happy mood...
Current Music:	"I Believe" by Diana Degarmo

abs hurt, cant move the arms...neck is so tense ( i think i pulled something )

and I dont feel good at all...

Heart givin me troubles,
Palpatations shortening my breath...
Dizziness overwhelming my path....
Headaches affecting my actions...

Why doesn't it stop...

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood:	Goin' To Bed
Current Music:	Silence for a change

But it was definitely cool to see it on TV.

Current Mood:	That was cool to watch...
Current Music:	The TV in the other room

Anyways, just thought'd I would share the good news to anyone I haven't told already...

Bekah Boo :) (and for real this time)

Current Mood:	Just woke up...
Current Music:	The Silence that I sleep in...

- Rebekah Wigley

Current Mood:	Food..
Current Music:	"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

I'm so proud that I think I am going to take that piss I was talking about..

Current Mood:	Cool Dude..
Current Music:	My Clock

 Just when you think that life was going good it does a complete U-Turn and goes in the opposite direction from where you just came from. Just when you think that you're not going to have to worry about anything something else happens. Trying to please folks is under-rated. I'll tell you that much. I'm tired of having to choose and take sides. I've finally snapped and I'm remaining the middleman. My bluntness and outspoken ways are envied more now that ever. I can never say anything right and I always end up hurting the ones that I hold dear.

 I'm tired of my life being topsy-turvy. It's one big roller-coaster with the biggest loops you'll ever see and everyone enjoys taking a thrill ride on it. They say everything in life happens for a reason. What is the reasoning as for why my life is never at positive equilibruim and always negative equilibruim? I just don't understand. They say that the lessons in life are what makes you stronger. What is the lesson that I'm learning from this? It's nothing spectacular. I'll tell you that much. It's consistant, it never goes away, and it hasn't made me any stronger than I already was. 

 For once I would love to have some control over which way my life goes. Control over what I'm going to do next. And control over where my life is headed. The only thing I've had control over in life has been tobacco. Yes, tobacco. Most folks find themselves smoking, dipping, chewing, or drinking because it's the only thing in their life that they can control. That's why they do it and that's why they depend on it more than anything else. It's the only thing in their lives that make sense and that's why they remain doing it. I'm tired of only being able to control the use of tobacco. It's life's little mishaps that only make me rely on tobacco even more. People are always using the excuse that tobacco is a stress reliever. That may be the case but knowing that the tobacco relieves the stress of everyday life it only drives folks to depend on it more causing that person to only have control over the tobocco and not the stress. Sooner or later it runs their life and they can't function without it.

 As for the new plans I set out to make for 2006 the use of none or less tobacco is one of them. I'm tired of dipping and chewing. It's only been a waste of money and it hasn't done anything other than make more problems instead of alleviating them. I may have the occasional pinch or chew here and there but it's not going to be something I rely on. I never relied on it heavily before but I notice myself using it more excessively now. Hopefully 2006 brings about a new start and the new year holds something better for all of us. I know that this past year has been nothing but an emotional roller-coaster for most and I'm looking foward to something different and something new. My other plans for the new year consist of going to school regularly and not skipping or laying out, making past relationships that went bad all better again, stop hurting the folks around me that I care most about, work towards building a new future for myself, making myself a new start in the new year, a new year a better person, and building on my relationship with God.

With that being said it makes me think of this one song, and for some reason it's a Christmas song. I know it's past Christmas but I figured two days late is better than 2 months late.

( My Grown up Christmas List... )

 So what all yall need to do for me is keep me in line. Don't be afraid to ask me, "Bekah, when's the last time you've dipped or chewed?" I know how much I don't like it when folks know about me doing that stuff and yall asking me that question will only get me to quit that much more. So please feel free to do that so it gets me to quit faster and more sooner.

Happy New Year Yall!

I love each and everyone of Yall,

Bekah Boo

Current Mood:	NOT AGAIN!
Current Music:	Wheel of Fortune in the other Room

check back..

Current Mood:	NOT AGAIN!
Current Music:	Me coughin..